Exposure
Believing I was exposed to other races & cultures because my elementary school had one black family & one Muslim family.

Pocahontas 1995
For years, we sang and quoted every misplaced word and historical fact in that Disney musical.

“I don’t see colour.”
A normalized statement.

Asian Caricatures
I saw something amusing.  He saw something hurtful.

Accent Portrayals
Mimicking others’ speech patterns because it sounds amusing.

Slurs
Realizing this can be yelled at you from a distance.

Chinese Food in Canada.
All that takeout…’ Moo goo Gai Pan’ and the like … it’s catered to your North American palate.

*The authentic food is ordered on Mandarin / Cantonese menus*

Chinese Fortune Cookies
Not Chinese; they also do this for just ‘you.’

Knowing / Having
Friendships/relationships with those who are BIPOC or of different cultures do not mean you know ‘all’ experiences.

Racial Identity
It’s not based on appearance, language, or cultural exposure alone.
It’s Personal
It can change.

How Systematic Racism Rose It’s Ugly Head In & Around Me… is a small sample size personal reflection of how embedded racism existed within the culture, society, and actions around and subsequently found its passive voice within me. These items are not the only examples but the red flags that have cropped up clearly over the years.
Unravelling the limiting belief that I am ‘blameless’ in my actions and portrayals of those around me has been an eye-opening, decade-long, and ongoing journey. I still catch myself falling prey to stereotypes, belief systems, and catch-all phrases that continue harmful narratives.
Humanity is fallible, and it seems that, above all else, humanity loves to ‘other’ others.
In all of this, what I have learned to be true:

In setting aside ego, assumptions and critiques, we find open-heartedness, delightful surprises and real understanding.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Heart dropping to the pit of my stomach mid-conversation
Their words felt like shards of glass

Rise of anxiety attack symptoms
Sore Tongue, tingling hands, heart beating while trying to sleep

Patterns / Cycles
I could see patterns repeat themselves

Retreating
Only wanting my safe people

Dysregulation
Overwhelm even when at rest

Distrust
I didn’t feel safe even before I arrived

Distraction Deep Dives
I’d rather be ruminating in the latest world happening

Searching for outside support
Therapist / Counselor dreaming / hunting

They were telling me what I should think
I knew it was my story to process

Professional Confirmation / Affirmations
Finding out my deepest wounds have names.

How I realized it was time to heal… was written out of response to the long journey of seeking and finding a therapist/counsellor that not only could hold space for my specific life and faith but also call out and help me put names to all that has held me, hostage. 

Having a family doctor who helped me identify my generalized anxiety, I was empowered to start the journey to get to the root of where it began. Digging up the roots of childhood wounds, generational trauma, and a spider web of undiagnosed mental health disorders within my family tree is work but work worth doing. 
I am not interested in the blame game, but I am interested in the healing game - and I’ll spend this decade of my life working towards understanding myself and the environment that made me better.

None of us are immune to childhood wounds, trauma and life happenings. To be human is to bleed, and it is also human to seek healing.  Physically, spiritually and mentally.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Emotional Outbursts
A normalized way of expression and culture within a family.

Expectations of Loyalty
Creating sides and breaking boundaries.

Emotional Confusion / Dysregulation
The emergence of mental health in a minor.

Despair & Quick Rage
The DSM5 calls this a personality disorder.

Overactive Bladder
Anxious mind, anxious bladder.

Over Eating
Reaching for what satiated. a.k.a. Depression

Not Eating
a.k.a. Depression. PTSD.

Unable to breathe
Anxiety Attacks

Tingling tongue / Legs
Anxiety Symptoms

How the Lack of Words for Mental Health Affected Me… is a compilation of both what I witnessed within my upbringing and how it has manifested within me. It took until my late twenties to understand I had been living and struggling with Anxiety and its comorbid symptoms since my early teens. Identifying and equipping myself with the tools for myself has given me language for what I have been dealing with, not only internally but also externally.
Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Personality Disorders, PTSD, and Emotional Dysregulation are all words and concepts that have liberated me from my upbringing and my life story and empowered me to continue the work so that my child may have the words for not only those and what is around her but most importantly for herself.
I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.