We Happy Few | Aren A. Morris

From the woman who taught me theatre and edited my first plays as an aspiring writer, Aren A. Morris gives us her debut novel featuring a young woman facing what it means to go back into the box of ‘pre-war’ womanhood.
If you enjoy the aesthetic of a gritty port city, historical time settings, and bold young women trying to make their way in the world, then this Halifax-based protagonist gives you all that.

She Said | Jodi Kantor & Megan Twohey

In their own words, Jodi and Megan describe the rising and falling action of how they went against Harvey Weinstein, along with the cultural and societal domino effect that came after.
Worth a read for anyone.

Northern Spy | Flynn Berry

Two Irish sisters are caught up in politics, the IRA and the age-old theme of loyalties.
For me, it started slow but did pick up mid-way. If you like a mystery, this will give you that.

TV / FILMS OF NOTE:

The Fablemans - because it surprised me with its depth, camera work, insight and raw perspective
The Nutcracker and the Four Realms - because it was time to show it to the eight-year-old. Christmas vibes on all levels.
Gilded Age S02 - because I watch it with my best friend, and it’s a grand display of extravagance.

Northern Spy - Flynn Berry, She Said - Jodi Kantor & Megan TwhoHey, We Happy Few - Aren A. Morris

Heart dropping to the pit of my stomach mid-conversation
Their words felt like shards of glass

Rise of anxiety attack symptoms
Sore Tongue, tingling hands, heart beating while trying to sleep

Patterns / Cycles
I could see patterns repeat themselves

Retreating
Only wanting my safe people

Dysregulation
Overwhelm even when at rest

Distrust
I didn’t feel safe even before I arrived

Distraction Deep Dives
I’d rather be ruminating in the latest world happening

Searching for outside support
Therapist / Counselor dreaming / hunting

They were telling me what I should think
I knew it was my story to process

Professional Confirmation / Affirmations
Finding out my deepest wounds have names.

How I realized it was time to heal… was written out of response to the long journey of seeking and finding a therapist/counsellor that not only could hold space for my specific life and faith but also call out and help me put names to all that has held me, hostage. 

Having a family doctor who helped me identify my generalized anxiety, I was empowered to start the journey to get to the root of where it began. Digging up the roots of childhood wounds, generational trauma, and a spider web of undiagnosed mental health disorders within my family tree is work but work worth doing. 
I am not interested in the blame game, but I am interested in the healing game - and I’ll spend this decade of my life working towards understanding myself and the environment that made me better.

None of us are immune to childhood wounds, trauma and life happenings. To be human is to bleed, and it is also human to seek healing.  Physically, spiritually and mentally.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Life is short.
That is what they say.

When we are children, our friends are those we source in the places we find ourselves.
School, lessons, neighbourhood, clubs, other children of our parents friends.
From late teens into young adulthood, this continues in many ways.
Post-secondary education, work, extra classes attended, eventing, friends of friends.
As adults, a shift occurs.

Somewhere between young and full-fledged adulthood, we lose friends, gain friends and find that friends might be farther away. Not gone, but not here.

Job changes, marriages, breaks ups, babies, and work schedules pile on, and all of a sudden, we look around and have to ask ourselves:
Who am I?
Who are you?

It’s a strange place to be when you realize you have grown past the usual way you would have connected with others.
A foreign land with no proper road or directions to tell you, ‘This way to the intellectuals sitting around a table exchanging ideas’ or ‘This way to the new moms who won’t judge you.’

Despite the lack of directions, I believe if you are looking, there is a way to land on finding the ‘ships’ that will keep your metaphorical boat afloat.

Know your own personal values and lifestyle values

Suppose you know your values both internally and externally. In that case, you will automatically know if a ‘ship’ will work because your differences complement each other or the alignment brings out a more profound sense of belonging.

Connect over something

In my closest ‘ships,’ something continues to bring us together. Be that a TV series you watch together, a hobby, the gift and desire of a good gab or work.

Notice the energy exchange.

We all know what it feels like to have the air sucked out of the room. That moment when you realize you are not actively participating in an exchange but rather doing your best to survive it. Although in ‘ships’, the energy exchanges can shift, and everyone takes turns giving more than receiving and vice versa, what should feel and be authentic is understanding how that can naturally ebb and flow without repressing yourself.

Manage Expectations.

Everyone gives and receives differently in ‘ships,’ but you must know and decide for yourself what you expect to get out of the relationship. When it becomes clear that achieving within the dynamic is impossible, either shift expectations or take a step back. Why carry bitterness around?

Notice How you feel after an interaction.

Those who bring out the best in you will make you feel content, blessed and seen.

Emotional Outbursts
A normalized way of expression and culture within a family.

Expectations of Loyalty
Creating sides and breaking boundaries.

Emotional Confusion / Dysregulation
The emergence of mental health in a minor.

Despair & Quick Rage
The DSM5 calls this a personality disorder.

Overactive Bladder
Anxious mind, anxious bladder.

Over Eating
Reaching for what satiated. a.k.a. Depression

Not Eating
a.k.a. Depression. PTSD.

Unable to breathe
Anxiety Attacks

Tingling tongue / Legs
Anxiety Symptoms

How the Lack of Words for Mental Health Affected Me… is a compilation of both what I witnessed within my upbringing and how it has manifested within me. It took until my late twenties to understand I had been living and struggling with Anxiety and its comorbid symptoms since my early teens. Identifying and equipping myself with the tools for myself has given me language for what I have been dealing with, not only internally but also externally.
Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Personality Disorders, PTSD, and Emotional Dysregulation are all words and concepts that have liberated me from my upbringing and my life story and empowered me to continue the work so that my child may have the words for not only those and what is around her but most importantly for herself.
I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

These High, Green Hills | Jan Karon

I enjoy picking away at this wholesome series, which depicts the town of Mitford through the eyes of the Anglican priest who lives and loves there. Think Gilmore Girls meets BBC.

The Mother - In - Law | Sally Hepworth

A tremendous rapid read if you like intrigue, misunderstandings, and ultimately getting to the heart of what makes people.

The Fiancée | Kate White

A fun ‘Who dun it’ if I ever read one! Kate keeps you on your seat guessing the whole book, which for many of us ‘long time’ readers is a challenging task. Hats off, for I was in complete ‘???’ the entire time.

Dear Wife | Kimberly Belle

If you can keep me guessing in a psychological suspense novel, I consider it a winner. Dear Wife is precisely that. Creative in narrative, quick in story progression and delivers a wholesome punch at the end.

TV SERIES / FILMS OF NOTE
Hocus Pocus - because it was Halloween night & what else would you watch on Disney+?

In 2006, I was a mere high school student fascinated with sign language, determined to learn the language and become an interpreter. I spent evenings going to night classes to prove my feeble skills, graduated high school and went into a one-year program of immersion, and then what was to be two years of interpreting training. In 2010, I entered the work world and spent four years working in the education system and local community.

There is much to be said about the training process, which I would love to see changed/altered to empower, enrich and encourage interpreters better. Still, there were also significant aspects in my journey in that training, which I continue to use daily as a creative writer and multi-media producer.

Know Your Biases

To keep an interpretation clean from your bias and allow the message to be received as intended, you must know your personal opinions/biases. In always being aware of your own opinions, you can set them aside and move forward with whatever message is being said.
In many respects, that has led me to the mantra:
“You can’t hold space for others if you do not hold space for yourself first.”

If You Feel Critical, Get Curious

I will never forget how hard-hitting this statement was early on in the interpreting training process. It’s easy to vent, rant, rage, posture and go on about something you feel strongly about, but it’s much more complex and honourable to get curious and sink into asking why. ‘Why?’ to yourself and ‘why?’ to the world around you.
This phrase has been a constant companion when I have felt the desire to defend, project or prolong unhealthy discourse.

Research, and then Research again.

Similar to ‘get curious,’ never let what you think you know of something be the end of your assumptions. Assume you have more to learn, discover, and decide on.
This not only keeps you current, but it keeps you aware of your own inability to know everything.

It’s Not About You

When you walk into a room, it’s never about you. You are not supposed to stand out, suck the air out of the room or make a show of yourself. You must conduct your job as effectively and clearly as possible with as little disturbance to the environment around you as possible.
Outside of interpreting, this has kept me aware of how to show up confidently while also working hard to collaborate effectively, stay true to my ‘reasons/intentions’ for being in any one place and make sure I look out for those who need to be seen or heard.

Explain what Something is by What Something Isn’t

In a visual language, such as American Sign Language, it is contextually helpful in many scenarios to express first what has been determined in communication as ‘not what I mean' and then progress to ‘what I actually mean.’ Much of spoken language is repetitive and stream-of-consciousness, and we often over-clarify in our speaking what we mean.
By pausing and letting ourselves take in the missing pieces in our communication in everyday life, we can better pivot and express agreement on what might be confusing, unclear, etc. and readily go forward into what we mean, what is better expressed and move forward.

For these lessons, I am thankful.

Onwards,

To All that Holds this Earth,

Sorting the burdens that weigh heavy within my mind.
Sanding down the wounds that tear at my heart.
Sifting through the depths of my weary soul.

May you shed light on the ways I have manipulated words to fit my own agenda.
May you soften the ways I can make pathways
Between “them” and “me"“.
May you remind me of the healing words I have recieved.
May you enforce protection within me against the wreckage words I have inherited.

Give me the courage to listen.
Courage to pause.
Courage to listen again.
Courage to inhale.
And then, and only then,
Give me the courage to speak.

And when my words are tempted to demean, diminish or demand,
Check my pen.
And when my emotions are tempted to explode,
Check my heart.

Steady my hands.
Steady my mind.
Steady my heart.

Steady all that propels me.
& keep me centred on all that bridges.
All that connects
And certainly
All that heals.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
His parting words after he was done playing around with me.

“No one interfered with your relationships.”
Telling me what he needed to hear to make himself feel better about how damaged us children were from his/their own adult choices.

”No one wants to hear you talk about how much you love your body.”
His feedback on my written monologue about body love journey because I am size small.

“You don’t need that.”
His lack of understanding of how much I may actually need something in order to be paid more as a woman.

“They need us.”
What he said with an understanding of what makes a deep long lasting relationship when I was the most broken and confused.

“You have a thing with words”
His recognition of a craft I was leaning into.

“You are the dream”
What he says as he pulls me close as we fall asleep at night.

“It’s Amy Grace!”
His greeting in a professional setting.

How His Words Carry Weight was written from a selection of statements from various men which have both harmed and healed me. Through these statements I have learned the nature of power dynamics, manipulation, true respect, growth and even deep love.
Calling out these statements is a choice for healing and baring witness to that which hinders and that which heals.
I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

No Great Mischief | Alistair MacLeod

For anyone who enjoys personal reflections and recollections of memories alongside the atmosphere of the east coast Alistair MacLeod gives us his own and those within this greater family of Scotland, Cape Breton, Nova Scotia and beyond. As a Nova Scotian, I enjoyed the journey. As a reader, I relished the art of language made as rugged as the terrain.

A Thousand Mornings | Mary Oliver

Beautiful.
“Sometimes there are no rules.”

Mary Jane | Jessica Anya Blau

I deeply enjoyed the protagonist within this story. She’s as protected, innocent and curious with awe and wonder at what she doesn’t yet know as I remember my own youth. This novel is a capture of what it means to grow up restricted and struggling with the limitations of your upbringing while also being protective and desiring connection with those who have raised you.

Big Little Lies | Liane Moriarty

Having watched and loved the series but not the novel, I felt it was time to read the source material. Liane writes a riveting tale.

FILM/TV SERIES OF NOTE:

Red Sparrow - Because espionage and survival are themes I enjoy when done well.
Selling the O.C. S02 - Because a reality show with pretty houses and silly drama’s takes the edge off of real life.

Earlier this year I found myself saying phrases like:

“Don’t get me wrong, if it sounds like I want _____ , I don’t actually want that.”

“I wouldn’t touch that with a 10 foot pole. I would need a lot of space from it in order to do it.”

On both accounts, I am already eating my words.

Living a life open to creative work is difficult as it is comical.
More often than not, the moment of revelation and ‘next right thing’, is right at the edge of resistance.
It’s that moment you look over the edge of a giant cliff you’ve never scaled down before and despite the beauty of the view below you laugh and say things like:

“Not in a million years!”

“As if!”

“Why would I want to do that?”

And then as you take one last look you start to ask more questions.

“Well… how would I do that anyway?”

“Why would I do it…if I did….why?”

And when the answers start coming easy and clear…that is when you know you just might need to eat your words on all accounts, pick up ‘desire’ and ‘courage’ and do the real heavy work of scaling down the edge of creative insanity.

****
Reader,

I am merely at the point of preparing my gear to scale down this tall mountain of work… but when the starting gun goes…I will be beyond tickled and frigthened to show you just the edge of what it is I said I would NEVER do…that suddenly I am going to do.

Until then,

Onwards,

I love words.
Always have. Always will.

I hate words.
Always have. Always will.

I love how they can cover us like a blanket on a cold day.
I despise how they can chill us from head to toe like an icy wind.
I love how they can be arranged into works of art.
I despise how they can be manipulated into shards of glass.

The way they taste after I let my wounds pull them out of my guts in defence.
The way they smell after you pull the pin and the explosion of them detonates in front of me.
The sharp ends of them cutting my throat as I speak.
The shrapnel gouging my chest as I read.

I have spent years pouring over the words plastered on the walls of our lives
The paragraphs scrawled in hurried anger.
The smudges of tears all mixed in.
The way they twisted around each other like a python suffocating the words that came before.

The way they sour as they drop off the page when it feels as if there is nothing left one could say.
No bridge they could build or soil they could find to plant something new.

If I could use my words to plant a tree for you to find protection under
I would plant them with care.
If I could use my words to pass you a cup of grace,
I would pour them out just for you.
If I could use my words to create a bridge from me to you
I would build them strong and safe.

The taste of our words are as sweet as honey
The taste of our words are as bitter as blood.

I pray for words like honey.
I pray for words that bridge.
And I pray that when we taste the bitter words and they become like sharp glass,

I pray we find that glass of grace and we partake of the words that heal.

Welcoming a new desk to my office right as a new challenge / invitation was presenting itself was pleasant timing. A late birthday gift after years of straining my back over a desk that wasn't made for hours and hours of writing and work.

September feels like a new year for the work life and with that comes new intentions, determination and focus.

What I am carrying with me this ‘new work year’:

• Walk through open doors.

• Celebrate what has been accomplished already.

• Attend and stay open to possible ‘work’ events.

• Embrace the new direction.

• Enjoy your own creative mind.

Sweetbitter | Stephanie Danler

Being that I enjoyed season one of the television series I assumed I would enjoy the novel. Apparently not as much. Sweetbitter, although a great setting and a relatable lost protagonist was a hard read for me to follow. Great characters and atmosphere… somewhat confusing regarding full plot and pacing.

Happy Place | Emily Henry

A pleasant summer rapid read following a group of adult friends reconnect at their favourite summer cottage. As per any friend group stories, things are not all that they seem. And for the protagonist, we find her dodging as many moments as she can with her still secret ex-fiancé.

Pineapple Street | Jenny Jackson

I have a deep love for books on family dynamics, class and MORE dynamics over a summer. Pineapple Street delivered beautifully in every way. Will be hoping Jenny has more books up her sleeves.

The Moment of Tenderness | Madeleine L’engle

A collection of unpublished short stories from Madeleine. I was not moved by every single one, but enough spoke to me for me to continue flipping pages.

TV SERIES / FILMS OF NOTE
The Incredibles II - Because a rainy day at the cottage requires a good summer animation viewing.

First Career at Age 21
What can I like that I can easily afford the training for on my own?

Married at 22
Because we couldn’t move forward in our sexuality / personal lives together unless we were married.

Wedding #1
Opting out of decisions in order to keep the peace.

Small Talk
Sales, sports, the weather… when all I want to do is talk about trauma, scarcity, provocative art, local happenings…

Alcohol / Tattoos
Avoiding the topic because they wouldn’t approve / understand.

Extended Family Time
Working to make each member feel seen while feeling more and more unseen.

Feigning Agreement
Agreeing to avoid confrontation or a need to defend a thought.

How I’ve Split Myself Up to Please Them… is a selection of reflections of choices and moments in my life where I can identify the act of putting a part of myself on a shelf in order to not rock the boat.
Although much of these I have worked to create wholeness and healing from, I recognize that being a whole person takes consistent forever work.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Sound & Color Album by Alabama Shakes | Taz Records

The ultimate favourite thing of the summer is our record player and my first vinyl I purchased for myself ‘Sound & Color’ by Alabama Shakes.

SPF 40 Tinted Moisturizer by Origins | Sephora

I adore this moisturizer and love that I can put it on and know that my face has coverage from the sun before I go out.

Pineapple Street by Jenny Jackson | Chapters

A perfect summer read if you enjoy the intricacies and antics of families. These reads often give me a good laugh, a nod of understanding and if they are done right a sense of solidarity along with entertainment. Jenny did just that.

White Birkenstock Flip Flops | Softmoc

Admittedly I have had the same silly blue flip flops from Old Navy since I was 20. After 14 years I felt it was time to retire them. They were quite literally falling apart. I replaced them with these. Hopefully a solid pair of flip flops for pool / beach days.

T3 Single Pass Curl 0.75 inch Barrel Iron | Sephora

Over the past year I have committed to a shorter hair style. I enjoy the ease and lack of fuss it makes me feel, that being said, it unfortunately meant that my barrel iron I would use for waves or curls was too big for shorter hair. Hopefully this is a one and done purchase.

Pocket Rocks | White Point Beach

Every summer we go to White Point Beach to spend a week in the sand, waves and under the stars of its natural beauty. I always look for a token from that year and these were the precious stones I found and brought back with me to carry for the year.

Finding myself in the role of docu journalism was not something I would have articulated a handful of years ago for myself.

And yet,

not surprising.

As a sign language interpreter, I was trained to know a little about a lot. Always factor in prep work for an assignment and always arrive early and prepared. This aspect of my training put me in the headspace to be curious and open. Always looking for what I may not be understanding fully and ready to hear what is being said. Not just through the overt but also the subliminal.

Shifting into writing, I found myself writing interviews, first on my own blog, then for a multi-media platform I co-founded, then onto our platforms short film and then for a local film and television associations newsletter. I interviewed professionals in the media industry, artists, academics, industry leaders, business owners, friends and sometimes family.

All of this was a training ground.

I have been privileged so far to have found mentors and colleagues who have not only given me opportunities to grow but also encouraged me into the skills and capabilities that have always been there.

Reflecting on the women I have looked up to and revered over the years, I am amused at the apparent nature and theme.

Lisa Ling, Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Brene Brown, Sarah Polley, Elizabeth Gilbert and Shonda Rhimes.

Writers.
Storytellers.
Researchers.
Journalists.

The common theme I come back to again and again, and the lesson each of these pillars of their industries has taught me,

is the value of holding space for the fullness of themselves, which allows them to cultivate and hold space for the fullness of others.

And this is a value I work to hold for myself.

That I honour and push for the fullness within me so that I can deeply see and meet the fullness and wholeness of another.

It Starts With Us | Colleen Hoover

A sequel to Colleens ‘It Ends With Us’. This addition brings a full circle moment of what it means to grapple with choices and the emotional processing that can occur post an abusive relationship.

The Club | Ellery Lloyd

Being a Reese Witherspoon pick, I assumed I would find this a rapid read, but not so. Be it the wrong timing for me or just simply not enjoying the writing style….
although read it - It was a struggle. I like the idea of a ‘who dun it’ set in a high society club / island retreat, but the execution of this read was hard to follow for me.

To Sir Phillip With Love | Julia Quinn

Another book in the Bridgerton series with perhaps my favourite character in the family. Eloise. Quippy, sassy, independent and gutsy we get to see her fumble her way through a relationship. I loved every page. A great indulgent ‘just for fun’ summer read.

TV / FILMS OF NOTE

Barbie - because not only is it the perfect summer film, but it also flips everything upside down in the most beautiful side wink way.
The Incredibles - because every eight year old needs to see this animation.
Jury Duty S01 - a social experiment done right. Although shocking in it’s premise, it is a heartwarming and beautiful work of art that has an uplifting outcome.

Being a self-professed type 'A' personality, I have a lot of routines, habits and methods of madness I have collected over the years to keep myself on track.

These routines and habits have been anchor points when life feels out of control, confusing or dull. For better or worse, I have been mostly good at sticking to my guns and following through with things as simple as a daily walk, reaching out to friends, scheduling the week ahead…’

Until last year.

Last year I began the slow unwinding of trying to keep all the balls in the air, specifically with relationships.

I stopped over planning and I just stopped being a leader in correspondence. I was still actively responding and communicating, but my energy to continue being the leader in all my interactions shifted. Rather than taking charge and seeking discourse, I was listening. Rather than holding space for others, I was holding space for myself.

This year I have continued to build upon that more profound and grounded state of being.

And to do that?

I have been breaking many of the routines, habits and methods of madness that kept me in control for years.

And in doing so, I have uncovered the new, re-found the old ways and delight in discovery.

So far, I have

• re-found my love for Hot Yoga and the Modo Yoga Community

• tried out 12-hour fasting.

• Asked for more in my work.

• solidified new and old friendships

• discovered my true love for a more urban lifestyle

• explored academia and its options

• fully embraced the reality and fun lifestyle choice of being parents to ‘one’ child.

These seemingly small things have impacted how I look at life, and I plan to continue breaking habits to find the new and re-meet the old.

Onwards,

Reward Systems

How well you perform under pressure determines how praised and holy you are.
Double points if you have a good memory and can navigate the Bible quickly.
Triple points if you bring a friend.
Quadruple points if you give your allowance at tithe time.

Attendance
Miss a Sunday?
Quietly judging you while slipping passive aggressive comments your way.

Dating
Does the leadership / youth pastor approve?

Involvement
Prerequisites
Must attend all of the following: morning service, evening service, meeting, practice, home group, study group, outreach, missions trip, ladies / mens breakfasts, special service, prayer night…etc.etc.

Seating placement
Closer to the front, the more serious about your faith you are.
Act accordingly and choose wisely

Personal Issues?
We will tell you what is best and you will accept our guidance.
Disagreeing is disagreeing with ‘truth’.

Mental Health Struggles?
Pray more.

Community?
Only happens in this building and in sanctioned home groups / events

Pop Culture
Will use references for quippy sermon slides and advertising.
Reserved rights to critique, snark and vilify any and all mainstream art and hot topic events.
****War films and the Lord of the Rings Franchise do not apply.****

Lights, Camera, Action
The higher the production value, the closer to God.

Giving
10% and all your time.
& then give more, it’s never enough.

How the North American Mega Church Movement Affected Me is a reflection on my upbringing in an evangelical mega church. It is not lost on me that the word ‘corporate’, a word predominately used in business settings was used routinely to remind members of the group ‘togetherness’ in any activity.
My personal experience growing up in a mega church felt sterile, systematic, tiered, controlled, cold and unattainable.

Since leaving this model of faith practice at age 17 I have experienced different and more positive expressions of faith and spiritual community. Although I still carry a faith and spiritual practice, how I practice and express that today looks and feels different.

I Never Promised I Would Stay Quiet About It… is a series of revelations, observations and citations on the topics and concepts often considered taboo.

Already in full bloom, the muggy, overcast and sometimes sunny days of a Nova Scotia summer are here.

This summer, I am approaching like summer rain.

Sporadic, unannounced and magical.

If you have danced in a summer rain, you know how it smells and tastes.
It’s something different and unique.

My approach this season is to push myself in my thinking and doing.
Rather than keeping the typical schedule, I am asking myself what makes sense today? What needs to be done? What project needs attention? What am I missing?
What am I needing?

It can be vulnerable to be without work, but it is also an invitation.

An invitation to discover and delight in the creativity that has brought me here today.

Onwards I go into these full magical summer moments discussing work, life and learning with family, friends and colleagues while dancing in the summer rain when it graces us with its presence.